Punny Stuff – Word Play

The following were the winners of a New York magazine contest in which contestants were to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression: (thanks to Steve Karpman for passing this on)

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? Can you drive a French motorcycle?
EX POST FUCTO Lost in the mail.
IDIOS AMIGOS We’re wild and crazy guys!
VENI, VIPI, VICI I came, I’m a very important person, I conquered.
COGITO EGGO SUM I think; therefore I am a waffle.
RIGOR MORRIS The cat is dead.
RESPONDEZ S’IL VOUS PLAID Honk if you’re Scottish.
QUE SERA SERF Life is feudal.
PRO BOZO PUBLICO Support your local clown (or politician, your call)
MONAGE A TROIS I am three years old.
FELIX NAVIDAD Our cat has a boat.
HASTE CUISINE Fast French food.
VENI, VIDI, VICE I came, I saw, I partied.
QUIP PRO QUO A fast retort.
ALOHA OY Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know.
MAZEL TON Tons of luck.
VISA LA FRANCE Don’t leave your chateau without it.
AMICUS PURIAE Platonic friend.
L’ETAT, C’EST MOO I’m bossy around here.
COGITO, ERGO SPUD I think, therefore I Yam (OK, more than one letter.)
VENI, VIDI, VELCRO I came, I saw, I stuck around (OK, another exception.)
(thanks again Steve for passing on the following)
An Indian Success Story
Old Chief Gnarled Oak, was turned into a millionaire by the discovery of oil on his reservation. He fell into the yuppie temptation, and he was particularly proud and pleased when his two boys were accepted into the swanky yacht club. For years, it seemed, his one consuming
ambition was to see … his red sons in the sail set. (By Bennett Cerf)
The Panhandler
A panhandler was caught trying to sneak aboard a Princess liner about to embark on a three-day trip to the Bahamas. He was caught by the Purser who threw him off the ship
telling him, …Beggars can’t be cruisers.
The General’s Funeral
The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington National Cemetery. All the air lines were booked and there were no other planes available. Someone came up with the idea of using a helicopter. It arrived at 5:00 A.M. The newspapers reported the incident with the headlines, … “The Whirly Bird Gets The Urn”
Then there was the young female comic who was promised good roles in a hit TV show. All she had to do was divide her favors between the star and the producer. It was just a sham though, she never got any air time at all. You might even say she was … shared skit less.
The Tilde
As has been pointed out, that “~” thing is called a “tilde:. Walt Whitman was one of the most avid advocates of it’s usage, and until his death he devoted untold hours making others aware of it’s potential. So today, as I use that little button on the upper left of my keyboard, I often feel like … Walt’s in my tilde.
The confused young man couldn’t decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Try as he might, he just could not make up his mind. Unwilling to give up either, he strung them along for far too long. This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good. Moral of the story: … You can’t have your Kate and Edith, too. (By Bennett Cerf)
The Lawyer
A New York lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients. The gifts were sleeves of golf balls, suitably inscribed with the donor lawyer’s name. One of the recipients sent an e-mail of thanks back to the lawyer saying, … “That’s the first time I’ve ever had a lawyer buy the balls.”
As Quasimodo was taking off for the Bell Ringers’ Olympics, he tried to cram the great bell of Notre Dame into the overhead compartment. I’m sorry, said the flight attendant, … That’s only for carillon luggage.
New Coin
A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt, on the other, Nathan Hale. Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the official replied, … “Now, when you have a coin toss, you can simply > > call “Teds, or Hales!”
Two contestants on a TV game show were in the final round. Mr. Cohn was way ahead of Mr. Schine, but just as the buzzer was rung, Schine slipped ahead, and won! When asked what prize he wanted, Mr. Schine stated that he wanted a horse. The game show host asked why, and was told, “I want a horse so I can name it ‘Harvest Moon.'” Then, I can have a portrait painted, and call it … “Schine on Harvest Moon.”
The Wedding Gift
A female snake charmer was wooed by an undertaker and accepted his offer of marriage. They received many gifts at the wedding but their favorite was a set of towels embroidered with the words…. “hiss and hearse”
The Coal Miner
A news item this morning was about a local coal miner. It seems that his avocation was painting, but since he couldn’t afford to buy canvasses he simply painted on the wall of his small cottage. Unfortunately, a gang of youths broke into his cottage earlier this week and defaced his paintings. Yesterday the young miscreants were charged in court with having … “corrupted the murals of a miner.”