One Liners

• I’ve taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
• Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
• A day without sunshine is like, night.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
• When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
• I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
• I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• Pardon my driving; I’m reloading.
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
• Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
• Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
• I intend to live forever — so far, so good.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• Mind Like A Steel Trap — Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
• Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
• Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
• When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane, going the wrong way.
• If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• He who hesitates is probably right.
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
• The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
• The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
• The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
• Two wrongs are only the beginning.
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
• Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.
• Don’t sweat petty things….or pet sweaty things.
• A fool and his money are soon partying.
• Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
• Always try to be modest. And be proud of it!
• If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands….
• Get a new car for your spouse–it’ll be a great trade!
• Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
• I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
• Everybody repeat after me…..”We are all individuals.”
• Death to all fanatics!
• “Guests who kill talk show hosts”… On the last Geraldo.
• Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
• Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
• Borrow money from pessimists–they don’t expect it back.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
• If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
• POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ….Cops have nothing to go on.
• Schizophrenia beats being alone.
• If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
• A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
• You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
• A thing not worth doing isn’t worth doing well.
• HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON’T BELIEVE IN GOSH
• Time is just nature’s way to keep everything from happening at once.
• Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
• All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
• Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires
• I don’t have a solution; but I do admire the problem.
• I think sex is better than logic, but I can’t prove it.
• A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS But it uses up a=20 thousand times the memory
• The Meek shall inherit the earth.. …after we’re through with it.
• If a thing is worth doing It would have been done already
• Two can live as cheaply as one… for half as long.
• HAM AND EGGS, A day’s work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
• Lord, If I can’t be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
• Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• THE BUCK DOESN’T EVEN SLOW DOWN HERE So keep on going.
• Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
• How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
• Sometimes too much to drink isn’t enough.
• JESUS LOVES YOU It’s everybody else that thinks you’re an ass.
• It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
• Don’t get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It’s a lot easier on you.
• Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
• A closed mouth gathers no foot.
• The trouble with life is there’s no background music or a laugh track.
• I was only looking at your nametag, honest!
• When blondes have more fun do they know it?
• Money isn’t everything, But it sure keeps the kids in touch.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• Losing a spouse can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
• We have enough youth. How about a fountain of “Smart”?
• Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!
• Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.
• MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT
• Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
• Seen it all. Done it all. Can’t remember most of it.

ONE LINERS – above passed on by Steve Karpman