|5 reasons to believe computers are FEMALE
|5 reasons to believe computers are MALE.
|1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
|1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. The native language they use to
communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
|2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
3. The message “Bad command or file name”
is about as informative as, “If you don’t know
why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you.”
3. As soon as you commit to one you
realize that, if you had waited a little longer,
you could have obtained a better model.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored
in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to
turn them on.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck
on accessories for it.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the
rest of the night.
TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREAT IS BETTER THAN SEX
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don’t have to compliment the person that gives you some.
6) It is OK when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don’t like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
spend money on her
wine & dine her,
buy things for her
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
go to the ends of the earth for her HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked.
What if Abby were a man ?Dear Abby:
Q: My husband to be still pines for his old girlfriend. I’m afraid he will not be faithful.
A: A man’s capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior – and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing – your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love – we have no time to talk.
A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband’s efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the ‘effort’ the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should – he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don’t mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present ..and don’t forget to cook him a delicious meal!
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN (thanks Jennifer R.)
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.