The Stewart Russell Collection

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
 
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
 
Q: This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
 
Q: How old is your son -- the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
 
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
 
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
 
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
 
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
 
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
 
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, 
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
 
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
 
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
 
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
 
Q: Did he kill you?
 
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
 
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
 
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
 
Q: So the date of conception of your baby was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
 
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
 
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
 
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
 
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
 
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
 
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice 
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
 
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
 
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
 
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
 
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
 
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
 
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
 
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
 
LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.
 
LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, 
what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were 
removed and put on top of my head.
 
CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
WITNESS: Is that all?
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four wordS: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.
 
LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse
down the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know...His thing. His di...I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, 
you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George."
  Things To Keep In Mind ! ! !
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Department of Redundancy Department
Diplomacy is the art of letting other people have your way.
  Actual written excuses given to teachers by parents of students
1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.
4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the
      Marines.
11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her
      hip.
12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset
     stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever.
     There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*),
     diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.
  24 Best responses if found asleep at your desk
24. "Oh, man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!"
23. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
22. "You don't discriminate against those with Latient Atrophy Zymosis Yeast syndrome, DO
       YOU?!?"
21. "Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."
20. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
19. "Oh, hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."
18. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course
       you sent me to."
17. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."
16. "I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
15. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
14. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."
13. "I'm doing the Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory
      seminar you made me attend."
12. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
11. "This is a highly specific Yoga position to relieve work-related stress."
10. "Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!"
9. "I was working smarter, not harder."
8. "Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
7. "I'm in the management training program."
6. "The coffee machine is broken...."
5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
2. "It's okay...I'm still billing the client."
                                     And the #1 response if found asleep at your desk:
1. "...and I especially thank you for my excellent boss, Amen!"
  OOP'S
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asks. "No, not at all," the woman replied. They chat for an hour or so, and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few." "Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them anyway."
  It is the law - The sex police at work once again
-In Alamo: A person found intoxicated must be given a large dose of castor oil by a local doctor...and failure to gulp it down will result in a fine.

-In Newport: It's against the law to tickle a girl under her chin with a feather duster in order to get her attention.

-In Collierville: Keeping clean can be a chilly proposition, as a law there says all bathtubs must be kept in the backyard.

-In Waverly: You better not let your horse near the tub, since horses are prohibited from sleeping in them, as well as in the house.

-In Wartburg: The town strictly forbids single, widowed or divorced women from parachuting on Sunday!

-In Las Vegas, Nevada: It's against the law to pawn your dentures.

-In Natoma, Kansas; It's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suites.

-Idaho Falls, Idaho: If you're 88 years of age or older, it's illegal for you to ride your motorcycle.

-In Vermont: It's against the law (not to mention impossible) to whistle under water.

-In Alabama: It's illegal to play dominoes on Sunday.

-In Barber, North Carolina: It's illegal for a cat to fight a dog (or vice versa).

-In Clawson City, Michigan: It's illegal to sleep with chickens. 

-In Connorsville, Wisconsin, it's illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm. 

-In Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during sex is illegal.-In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding
    day.
-In Alexandria, Minnesota, no man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic,
     onions, or sardines on his breath  If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his
      teeth. 

Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown- if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds! 

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in-meat freezer! A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job- for men only- called a corset inspector.)
However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."

It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.
Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing. 

Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term. 

In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in. 

A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons. 

Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio- a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!" 

No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.