The Steve Karpman Collection

 
A neutron goes into a bar and asks, "How much for a beer?" The bartender  replies, "For you, no charge."
 
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the  other, "Are you all right?"  "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?"  "Yeah, I'm  positive!"
 
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal  work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication!
 
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across  two men.
One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on  his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
 
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns,  in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
 
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the  holidays.  After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict."  His  order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate.  He asks the  waiter, "What's with the fancy plate?" The waiter replies,
"There's no plate like chrome  for the hollandaise!"
 
TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREAT IS BETTER THAN SEX
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person that gives you some.
6) It is OK when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
 
An anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase.  The following examples are quite astounding: Dormitory = Dirty Room
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity = Is No Amity
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
Semolina = Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Contradiction = Accord not in it
 
An Englishman and a citizen of the Czech Republic went on a hunting trip. When they did not return for several days, a search party was sent after them. The party found a he-bear and a she-bear, each with full tummies.  Becoming suspicious, they killed the two bears. They cut open the stomach of the she-bear, and found the Englishman. The leader of the party then observed, "You all know what this means--the Czech is in the male."
 
Mother Gnu was waiting for Papa Gnu as he came home for dinner one evening. "Our little boy was very bad today," she declared. "I want you to punish him." "Oh no," said Father Gnu. "I won't punish him. You'll have to learn to paddle your own gnu."
 
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund? He wanted to get a long little doggie......
 
Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best: 
The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance.

The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength, and none in the forest dared to challenge him.

The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature.

As the trio debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all: hawk, lion and stinker!
 
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero"

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
 
Important Notice to Employees: In order to adequately address the Y2K problem, corporate has determined that there is no longer any need for network or software applications support the  goal being to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan,1999.
Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.
                  1. No Y2K problems
                  2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
                  3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
                  4. No more printing hassles.
                  Thank you.
Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
 
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi are discussing what they would like people to say after they die and their bodies are on display in open caskets. Priest: "I would like someone to say, 'He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous.'"
Minister: "I would like someone to say 'He was very kind and fair, and he was very good to his congregation.'"
Rabbi: "I want someone to say, 'Look!  He's moving!'"
 
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist,
and the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff."   T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was also good. Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, peed on the paper, bit the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
 
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
 
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty
as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like
this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I
asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"   

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the jar open!"