One Liners

Passed on by Steve Karpman 
  • I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.
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  • Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some just don't have film.
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  • Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.
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  • A day without sunshine is like, night.
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  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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  • I just got lost in thought.  It was unfamiliar territory.
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  • When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
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  • Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
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  • I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
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  • You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
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  • I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
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  • Honk if you love peace and quiet.
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  • Pardon my driving; I'm reloading.
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  • Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
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  • Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
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  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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  • He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
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  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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  • Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
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  • I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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  • I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
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  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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  • Mind Like A Steel Trap -- Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
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  • Quantum Mechanics:  The dreams stuff is made of.
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  • Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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  • The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
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  • When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane, going the wrong way.
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  • If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
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  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
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  • He who hesitates is probably right.
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  • Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
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  • No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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  • Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
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  • The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
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  • The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
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  • The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
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  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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  • To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
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  • Two wrongs are only the beginning.
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  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
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  • Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
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  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
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  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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  • If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
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  • Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
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  • Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
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  • A fool and his money are soon partying.
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  • Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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  • Always try to be modest. And be proud of it!
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  • If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
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  • How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
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  • Get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!
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  • Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
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  • I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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  • Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
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  • Death to all fanatics!
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  • "Guests who kill talk show hosts"... On the last Geraldo.
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  • Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
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  • Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
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  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
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  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
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  • Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
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  • Half the people you know are below average.
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  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
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  • 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
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  • A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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  • If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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  • POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ....Cops have nothing to go on.
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  • Schizophrenia beats being alone.
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  • If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
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  • A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
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  • You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
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  • A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.
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  • HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH
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  • Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.
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  • Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
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  • All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
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  • Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires
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  • I don't have a solution; but I do admire the problem.
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  • I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
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  • A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS But it uses up a=20 thousand times the memory
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  • The Meek shall inherit the earth.. ...after we're through with it.
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  • If a thing is worth doing It would have been done already
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  • Two can live as cheaply as one... for half as long.
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  • HAM AND EGGS, A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
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  • Lord, If I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
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  • Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
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  • THE BUCK DOESN'T EVEN SLOW DOWN HERE So keep on going.
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  • Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
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  • How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
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  • Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
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  • JESUS LOVES YOU It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.
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  • It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
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  • Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.
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  • Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
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  • A closed mouth gathers no foot.
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  • The trouble with life is there's no background music or a laugh track.
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  • I was only looking at your nametag, honest!
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  • When blondes have more fun do they know it?
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  • Money isn't everything, But it sure keeps the kids in touch.
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  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
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  • Losing a spouse can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
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  • We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
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  • Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!
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  • Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.
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  • MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT
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  • Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
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  • Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.

ONE LINERS - above passed on by Steve Karpman