The Lewis Quinby Collection

 
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what is wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.  Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a  balanced diet?

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
 
A huge flood occurs in the town the rabbi lived in, and he has to climb up on his roof to escape the water. As the water is rising almost to the roof, a canoe comes by and the man says, "Come into the boat and I will save you." The rabbi says, "I will stay here, God will save me." As the water is at his feet, a motorboat comes by, and the people say, come Rabbi we will save you." The Rabbi says, "God will save me." As the water is almost up to his chin, a helicopter comes overhead, and they say "Climb into the copter!" And the Rabbi says again "No, God will save me." At the point of almost drowning, the Rabbi says "God, I have been a good Rabbi, and have always prayed to you. Why won't you save me?" Suddenly the sky thunders and lightning flashes and the voice of God says, "Schmuck, I sent you two boats and a helicopter!"